I was speaking with a young man recently, and he posed an interesting question, “Can all relationships succeed?” My answer is yes, but with one qualification. All relationships can succeed so long as both partners are willing to change and grow, and respect and support the change and growth in the other. I remember some years ago supporting a couple who were going through a very difficult time in their marriage. The wife was very committed to improve their relationship, however the husband said “she just has to realise that this is me, the same guy she married, I am not going to change”. Needless to say, the relationship ended soon after.
I will return to this theme in the next few blogs, but for now let us start at the beginning. Angela and Bill met some time back in a smoky bar somewhere. They brought to this meeting their whole selves, life experience, dreams, current personal circumstances, expectations of future partners, and so on. We are going to illustrate this by the two circles below, representing their whole selves. Of course the content of their circles will range from very similar to completely different. We all know the old adage of “opposites attract”,
We are going to jump a few steps to the point where Angela and Bill decide to become a couple, make a commitment to each other, marriage or otherwise. So the question becomes “how far do they overlap their circles?” Not completely, although in the early stages of the relationship it may feel like that. So we will suggest that a healthy relationship looks like the following:
Put simply, there are three parts of a healthy relationship, you, me and us. When Bill and Angela first join together, the you and me comes from past life, and the us is in its infancy. Couples have reported to me that they have spent their first year or two arguing. When we consider joining the two circles, we can see why. Negotiation and conflict resolution skills are in high demand during this period, but many couples do not expect this. Once the lust phase of a new relationship has passed, there is no wonder that many couples report being out of love.
One of the key questions during this period is to identify and protect what does and does not remain in the you and me sections of the relationship. Bill and Angela need to be able to value their separateness, which is part of a healthy relationship. Not only that, they each need to respect and encourage the separateness of the other. The crucial issue is that this separateness is seen and respected as part of the healthy relationship.
Other Thoughts:
Other writers have fascinating perspectives on this subject.
Check out the hilarious story from @Six_Pack_Mom:https://www.boredpanda.com/funniest-marriage-tweets-2016/?media_id=662318
r this one from McKenna Park (I particularly like item 6, as long as we extend it to both partners):https://familyshare.com/27826/if-your-husband-does-these-10-things-you-hit-the-marriage-jackpot
You make topics so enjoyable to explore, even the ones that usually feel daunting. Your posts are always a pleasure to read.